After the action-packed sorting of the assembled critters into seven teams of six, we were ready to begin the first event — the classic Dizzy Bat Relay. Each critter must spin three times around a baseball bat held upright on the ground (otherwise there’d be no reason to call it the Dizzy Bat Relay), run to the end of the course, spin around three times again, then run back to the starting line and hand off the bat to his next teammate in line. The bats, in addition to being a practical sort of thing to rotate around, add an extra element of physical violence and danger to spice things up. Mmm, spicy.

There was the usual misuse of bats by critters, but fortunately a judicious application of brute force was generally sufficient to get them back in line. Thanks to clever planning by the Critterlympic Committee, several watchers were assigned to actually pay attention to the finish line, so determination of the winner didn't require the usual fifteen minutes of heated debate and pummeling. And that winner was...

First place:

Fine Young Carnivores

Second place:

The Doggonnits

Third place:

The Eclectic Oddballs

From the frantic chaos of the Dizzy Bat Relay we moved on to the frantic chaos of the Hula Hoop Race. Three teams form into lines and hold paws, Hands Across America-style. They must pass their entire line through the hoop, moving it from one end to the other, without letting go of each other. Tricky, eh? The first round brought Fine Young Carnivores, Fox Force Five, and the Forest Gumps to the stage. The Gumps finished first, thanks to some blatant cheating by Sym, who displayed cunning and guile not typical of polar bears. They were disqualified after a heated debate, and Fox Force Five were declared the winners. The second round pitted The Eclectic Oddballs, CAT-5, and the Doggonnits against each other. Despite overt cheating by both the Oddballs and the Doggonnits, CAT-5 still managed to finish first. Cheaters never prosper, say I.

To determine the best of the best, Fox Force Five and CAT-5 went head-to-head with an even smaller hoop. Yet again the awful specter of cheating raised its ugly head like a Lithuanian Head-Raising Weasel as various team wranglers, who really should know better, assisted their teams in hoop transport. The Critterlympics holds itself to a high ethical standard, and so the race was re-run after the appropriate parties were pummeled. And the winner was CAT-5, proving that cats are superior to foxes, at least when it comes to hula hoops. Third place was awarded to the Eclectic Oddballs in recognition of Kanshin Griffin’s superb display of dexterity and wiggling in managing to get himself and his wings through the hoop intact.

First place:

CAT-5

Second place:

Fox Force Five

Third place:

The Eclectic Oddballs

The critters got a break while chairs were sought and set up, and then the carnage began. And carnage it was! As you all know, the recent war-related chair shortages have hit us all hard, and the Critterlympics was no excepted. Oh sure, we could have appealed to the government for a special emergency increase in our chair ration, but we don’t beg for special favors. We’ll shoulder our patriotic burden like the rest of you fine folks. As a result, there were only twenty chairs to seat the 42 contestants in the first round. What followed was a horrifying display of chair-related violence that left 22 competitors to limp off the stage in disgrace. After that, the ranks were quickly thinned until it came down to the final 6.

Blooper was the first to go, aced out of his seat at the last second by the lightning-swift butt of Donkey. But karma will get you in the end, and Donkey was the next to go. Default Fox, a musical chairs champion from the first Critterlympics, slumped into fourth place, but showed grace in defeat. The brave and intrepid Sahara was next, leaving only Neouka and Brigus, Jr. to fight it out. Sadly, the heat of victory clouded Neouka's judgment, and he decided to stake out the chair for himself and not walk in circles any more. Several dogs with a keen sense of justice pulled him aside for a brief lecture on sportsmanship. Unfortunately, that’s when the music cut out, allowing Brigus, Jr. to leisurely plop his butt into the comfortable seat of Victory.

First place:

Brigus, Jr. (Doggonnits)

Second place:

Neouka (Forest Gumps)

Third place:

Sahara (CAT-5)

In addition to the conventional rankings, several special Judges' Awards were also handed out. The award for "Best Impersonation of a Chair" went to Vircoo. In a related incident, the award for "Most Blatant Attempt to Pass Off a Kangaroo as a Chair" went to the lovely Phar Whitewater. Finally, the Grr Memorial Award for Soldiering On in the Face of Grievous Bodily Injury went to Blooper, who fought nearly to the finish despite requiring emergency surgery to reattach his nearly severed ears on two separate occasions. Blooper, we salute you!

Another new event for the Critterlympics, Speed Charades gets the audience involved for a change as they try to guess the words the various critters are charadesing for them. One team at a time takes the stage, each critter doing his best to convey to the audience the word(s) on the Official Critterlympics Speed Charades Index Card. Critters are allowed to pass their word to the next teammate if the audience doesn't seem to be getting it. After two minutes points are tallied, with harder words like "egalitarian" naturally being worth more than words like "flat."

This year's batch of competitors was quite skilled at the art of frantically flailing about as if beset by invisible demons, producing a four-way tie for first place. To break the tie, one critter from each team had to go it solo, trying to get across as many words as possible. Sym represented the Forest Gumps, Blooper stepped up for For Force Five, Donkey went to battle for the Eclectic Oddballs, and since I've run out of synonyms, I'll just say that KuddlePup was the critter who did it for the Doggonnits. After the dust cleared, Donkey's mad mime skills had paved the glorious path to downtown Victorysville for the Eclectic Oddballs.

First place:

The Eclectic Oddballs (17 points)

Second place:

Fox Force Five (15 points)

Third place:

The Doggonnits (14 points)

And now the complex task of calculating the overall winners. Many factors must be taken into consideration, and complex linear equations must be solved. It's a difficult task, but it has to be done. Fortunately, my mighty brainpower is more than up to the task. Every critter gave it their all, and they can all be proud of what they achieved. Of course, the winners get to be prouder than everyone else. Otherwise there wouldn't be much point in winning. So, here they are — the Final Results!

So, once again the Critterlympics have come and gone. The Critterlympics Staff (i.e. Penh) extends deepest thanks and gratitude to all the critters who made it possible, and to the volunteers who showed up to help out. Thanks to Loran and Flint for running around and rounding up volunteers; to Carol Kitty for the use of her watch and pencil (I'll get it back to you, honest); to Carol Kitty again, Camerapup, Hoof, Theome, Red XIX, Riddlebox, Tyrin, and Brokken for taking care of the individual teams and making sure they were all more or less where they were supposed to be when they were supposed to be there; to Polecat for rounding up towels and otherwise helping out; and to Crosscheck and Wastrel for helping with the tear-down. Without all of you, the Critterlympics would be nothing but me standing in the parking lot wondering where everyone was, though I suppose the wrap-up would at least be easier to write. See you next year!